Priority used to be a singular thing – the most important goal. It is only in recent years that you can have several priorities. It seems as time goes on the quantity we have to keep up with increases. At the moment I have a “to do list” that seems to grow faster than I can knock items off it. Fix the boiler, get a present for the kids to take to a birthday party, get the MOT and service booked for the car, catch up with my emails, send an anonymised report to the colleague who is shadowing me on Tuesday, book that meeting with the accountant, follow up the meeting I had last week, book in dates for group-work facilitator training, catch up reading for NICE guidance, vote on new dates for working group meeting, produce invoices for recent work, chase up unpaid travel expenses for interview in spring, write another blog entry, set up webinar for patreon supporters, read book I just bought, update the CPLAAC website system, etc etc.

I’ve been reading a lot and working on trying to improve my work-life balance and to work out which of the many options in front of me I should prioritise. I’ve always had such wide interests in psychology that it is easy for me to get sucked in to new projects: Only yesterday I read a post on linked in about how someone had set up a social enterprise to combat social isolation in older men by setting up groups in which they could attend sports matches and wanted someone else to take it over, and I started thinking “what a good idea, it would be a shame to let that drift, I wonder if I could fit it in?” before I gave myself a metaphorical slap and realised that it was outside of my core areas of professional interest and I have too much on my plate already. But I really need to prioritise, and this blog article explains why (if you can get past the pretentious business jargon). Basically, if you keep trying to keep up with everything, you don’t get the thinking space to work out what is most important, and end up keeping up with everything that is thrown at you, rather than progressing with the most important stuff. The advice boils down to: take time out to take stock, set less goals but do them before letting other demands interrupt, let a trusted other help you prioritise, and declutter your physical and mental space (do one thing at a time, and don’t let email, phone or social media interrupt more important stuff).

The first thing to consider is Maslow’s hierarchy. The top priority has to be to ensure that my family and I have our biological needs met. At the most primitive level this involves enough sleep, regular healthy meals, warmth and shelter – and it is amazing to think how often I work late, or skip a meal, or ignore my physical comfort. The next layer is a sense of psychological safety – a stark reminder of how many of the court assessments I do involve some form of risk assessment in how I set up the appointment. There is then a need for love and belonging – which entails time for family and a social life outside of work. Only the very highest levels relate to the rewards of work – the sense of achievement, success and self-actualisation. So why has the fine tuning expanded to seem so important that it compromises more basic needs?

At its most basic I need to cut down my work and have more time for life outside of my professional role. I have mentioned already that the first mnemonic that was helpful to me in thinking about my priorities was to consider the “4 Ps”: As well as being a professional, I am a parent, a partner and a person. If I don’t tend to these other roles sufficiently I will be missing out on important stuff for my own wellbeing and on prioritising my own needs and those around me. And I think this is wise counsel for anyone, whatever their job or life stage. But I now also have four i-words, by which to compare opportunities. These are specific to my personal values and goals. For me, the measuring stick of whether I want to do something is a combination of whether it presents: An interesting intellectual challenge; the opportunity to be innovative; a way to have an impact on a wider audience; and whether or not it generates income. I also know that I want to apply psychological skills to children and young people who have been dealt a tough hand in life (whether through their biology or genetics, or through their experiences of maltreatment). I’m particularly interested in attachment relationships, and the impact of maltreatment on neuropsychological development.

So when it comes to weighing up potential projects I can look at how they measure up. The project for older people and sports is a clear no, whilst my work to improve quality standards and instil a culture of outcome measurement in residential care for children who are Looked After in public care is a clear yes. I also know that I can’t take on any more unpaid committee work. Hopefully now I have at least recognised the problem and operationalised the criteria,  I can be more discriminating in what I take on in future. And to prove it I am now going to prioritise getting some sleep!

It was the right decision to decline the job in Scotland, but it hasn’t been an easy option to stay put, as its perpetuated my “midlife-crisis” stuff (maybe also related to my impending 40th birthday). I feel like moving wasn’t the solution, as the challenges are of my own making and would have travelled with me. However staying doesn’t negate the need to make major changes in my life. It is a process that is taking me a lot of time and thought. I’ve been reading a lot about business, personal and professional development, happiness and people who have had inspiring lives or worked towards changing some of the problems that humanity is facing. I’ve got a determination to make a difference through my work, and to apply my psychological knowledge to making life better for people (especially young people who have experienced adversity). I’m gradually figuring out some things I feel very positive about.

The metaphor I am currently using is that in terms of my career I thought I was on a train from London to Leeds – a nice, direct, predetermined route that has been travelled by many people before me. However, due to austerity politics, the train got a bit rickety and the line was diverted so the train was destined to travel via Hull (perhaps into the north sea). So, I got out and tried to catch a series of buses to get me closer to my original destination, Leeds. However, nothing seems to offer a direct route, and some of the diversions are interesting enough that I’ve begun to wonder about getting off the main road and exploring on my bike. It may be that I find a new route I want to follow, or that I get a lift to somewhere else entirely or join a group of other cyclists – the main thing is <can you guess where this is going?> to enjoy the journey once again. So I’m going to just do more of what gives me joy and excitement and see where I end up!

In my personal life I reckon I need to prioritise sleeping, eating well, exercising, getting outdoors and spending time with the kids. I want to develop a social life, creative challenges, an inspiring network of peers, and spend less time on work but ensure this is more focused on things I feel absolutely passionately are my point of highest impact. I also need to get my kids into a school that is equally able to individualise, support and challenge them, and to become actively part of the school community. In terms of work I need to both diversify what we offer, so there is less pressure on court work being our main source of income and focus in on the stuff I personally want to be doing within the company. On a more practical level I need to sort out the business finances, catch up with a 400 email backlog and fill our current vacancy.

I feel like I’ve had a bit of a rough time recently in that the Legal Aid Authority are reducing fees and querying ever more invoices. The business hasn’t made enough money for me to take home much more than minimum wage so far this year, and I’ve had a few stressors in my personal life (and the recent mega pollen count has meant I’ve had a bit of asthma, which is always frustrating). However, on balance, it has been a time of positive changes for me. First, I found a personal development coach I really clicked with. He’s a yoga teacher who only works with people with a passion to do good in the world, so it will wake up my hippy heritage and values, and help me <cliche>think outside the box</cliche> of the established ways things are done in public sector behemoths like the NHS and social care. I’m also developing a set of digital tools from a questionnaire I designed, typing them in to a new system for psychologically informed care planning in children’s homes with an online measurement and tracking system. I have an idea about a website too. Some of these projects are worthy of substantial financial investment, so I am looking into social impact bonds and venture capital to see where to take them. Of course, nothing is ever guaranteed, and I can’t do these things without some financial support, but it feels like a good direction of travel. I’ve learned over and over in my career that I like to innovate, evaluate, refine and disseminate and I get bored with the rinse and repeat of delivering the same thing again and again. So that is what I’m going to do

Downsizing the business was painful but also allowed me to think more widely again. Apart from me, the business now has one AP (we peaked at 3), 15 hours of admin and 7 of operational management. A new qualified CP is starting for 8 hours per week to pick up some direct therapy work, and will increase over time to take on some LAC work. I’m doing one day per month of consultancy and training to a regional LAC project, and I’ve cut down the court work a little. I have some ideas about potential research bids, though I’m currently lacking the energy to write them after a series of knock-backs. I am however developing some technical projects (an app and a website based tool) and hoping to pay someone to do the social media stuff that has lapsed.

However I am also looking more seriously at NHS and academic posts (to see if I can find something super-inspiring that would fit within the 9-5 in a location that we like), and exploring other options in terms of personal development to address my workaholism and get more balance in my life. I want to find time to be creative, have a social life, do fun stuff, and self-care, as well as work and family time. I love CP, but it can’t be my whole life with the kids and my husband just squeezed into a corner.

Update: The big news is that I’ve been offered an NHS job again, in Scotland where the landscape is glorious and the NHS less massacred, so have to figure out whether I want to take it. I’m a bit overwhelmed with the decision as the two options feel very hard to compare.

The NHS job would be a return to 9-5 which is fewer hours, but less flexibly arranged. The salary is lower than my current earnings, but it would also offer the NHS pension and protection of sick pay. It seems like a lovely service with a wide remit and a focus on quality, and would bring me into contact with lots of other professionals. I’d also have scope to do some research as well as my committee commitments, in paid time. The work would be more varied and less grim. And I’d be paid a salary and not have to invoice, haggle and chase overdue amounts. However relocating is a big unknown. It will be expensive and stressful, and I don’t know what my other half would do for work. Plus I’d be less well connected geographically and need to learn about a new culture/locality. The winters are also darker and colder. But I might enjoy doing up a new home or self-building, and we’d be able to choose to live in the catchment of a good school and have a good quality of life, and Scottish people are generally friendly and pragmatic.

Continuing my current role involves loads of work but arranged much more flexibly. It can earn more, but that is dependent on what I do and how reliably I invoice and chase up the money (though I might be able to employ someone to take this on or delegate more of it to my operational manager). I don’t have the same protection of pension or sick pay, but I do try to invest and I don’t get ill much. The majority of my earnings come from court work which is very heavy material, and all my extra-curricular stuff (committees, research, writing bids, peer supervision, reading, CPD) is in unpaid time. I’ve not been successful in securing funding for clinical or research projects. But I’m well known and well located, and good at what I do, plus I enjoy the challenge and rigour of the court work. Its also less hassle to stay where we are, though we don’t have much of a social network locally and being the boss of a small company is quite isolating. We are not super keen on our locality here, as it is bland and flat, but it is very convenient with every supermarket within a few miles, a gym with childcare down the road, and the motorway and rail links on hand. Plus recently I’ve had a good run of speaking at events, offering training and consultancy within this region or easy travel range. I’m also loathe to lose the company I’ve built up over many years (though I could potentially keep it open without being directly involved myself) and my husband has a job here that fits in school hours – though there is some reorganisation going on that might threaten that.

I feel very spoilt having the choice. Deciding seems like a “first world problem” of the highest order. Its a decision between two good options, and we are very lucky to also be financially secure enough to choose to do neither of them – I could take a year out and be an at home mum or do a PhD and we’d still have a home to live in and food on the table due to my husband’s salary covering our modest living expenses. On this wonderful reminder of where we stand in the world we are in the top 1% for income and top 2% for assets, which is a pretty stark reminder of how many people cannot take this stuff for granted.

I sat down with my husband over the weekend to look at our goals and dreams, and it seems they relate rather little to what work we do! Here they are:

– have more physical and emotional energy for the kids
– have more leisure time to read, grow veg (M), do creative stuff (M) and play video games (T)
– get strong and healthy (M&T) and play football (T)
– get a social life (M)
– get rid of accumulated stuff that isn’t meaningful
– increase retirement income/passive sources of income
– take more holidays, including at least one chance to dive/snorkel per year (M)
– build or renovate a dream house
– make video games (T) and a work related app (M)
– complete my study of risk and resilience in adoption, and use the BERRI measure to look at outcomes for young people in residential care, influencing practise to improve life for LAAC and writing another book, some papers and perhaps get a visiting academic role.

If I stay here I need to delegate all the operational management and financial stuff I don’t like, and start to share the court work with a colleague, so I work less from home. In short – improve quality of life and social connectedness by reducing work and gaining leisure time/energy, and focus the work I’m doing on improving the knowledge base and consulting/training more.

Last night it felt like these would be best achieved by moving to Scotland. This morning like I’d rather build on what I’ve started here. But its good to have identified goals at least, as that means positive change wherever we are!

Outcome: I declined the job in Scotland.

I had been worried about what it would mean for my husband, moving away from my family, losing my total autonomy and letting down the people I employ. Plus I was concerned that it was more a fantasy of a different life than the reality of this particular post that attracted me. Speaking to the previous post-holder sealed the deal. She reminded me of all the problems I had left behind. I’ve always hated inter-profession politics and being stuck in middle management where the needs of the workers and clients are opposed to the targets of the folk at the top would be my idea of hell. Plus it would be a huge upheaval/expense and I didn’t know how we’d cope with the darker/colder winters.

I am now thinking I need to change my own barriers to having a better work life balance, rather than thinking that will only come with a change of my role or geographical location. Interestingly it reinforced my recurrent theme of wanting choice but not taking it. It also made me think again about my seemingly disparate motivations of ‘doing good for humanity’ by improving knowledge and practise and through this increasing quality of life for others (my hippy goals) and having ‘success’ in the form of autonomy, influence, status and quality of life (my yuppie goals). The challenge is how to achieve these things from here. The TEDx event I went to yesterday was inspiring in that regard, looking at ‘generosity, greed and the greater good’. It made me feel like I need to find a way to fund my grand plan to improve the quality of life for LAAC.

I need to work out what the next goals are. I’ve never had ambitions to drive a porsche or own a mansion with a gym and jacuzzi or anything like that, and I don’t have a goal for turnover or numbers of employees, or to take over the NHS. I just want to do good work that is free at the point of access for those who need it, with people I like around me. Not that I wouldn’t like to win a big contract, just that its never been on my radar.

I’ve had a great summer of slowing the pace and reclaiming life since the end of July. I’ve made a real effort not to bring work home, and for the last 6 weeks I’ve been going to the gym after work and doing the school run more often. But that rests on doing very little court work, which feels like I’m not working enough!

Its weird having health things too, as I’m usually so resilient. I’ve got ocular hypertension (the precursor to glaucoma) which has meant a lot of eye tests, and I also need some medical investigations, but it has been hard to prioritise me time. My friends and colleagues from the forum reminded me to value being a mum as ‘worthy’ and ‘work’ too. They are right that I need to give myself permission to prioritise me a bit more, and accept good enough rather than perfection (which I think I do with therapy delivery, but don’t with other aspects of the business).

It made me think about my drive to overwork. I think its a family story. My mum has been a hard worker (early consultant CP, head of service, in an era where mainly men attained that rank). My Dad was a creative person who had a lot of time off with ME-like symptoms when I was a kid. My mum’s mum was a hard working single mother in an era where there were not really single mothers, and remarried unhappily but wished she hadn’t (and probably impressed upon my mum at some level the value of supporting yourself and marrying for love). Plus my heritage is as an immigrant squared – my great grandparents/grandparents were persecuted Jews who earned their way up from nothing when they fled from Russia to South Africa, and then my parents came to the UK and built a new life. There is a high value on the opportunity for a good education and the value of hard work. There is also a very high value on parenting – my mum took a 5 year career break to have kids and I feel bad for not giving the kids enough priority.

When I take on too much it is difficult being emotionally available when it matters most (for family) when there is work stress and heavy stories and overload sapping your resources. It is something I will pick up in my peer supervision. I’ve also emailed the management coach I did a few sessions with to set up another session. But I did want to be open about the fact that being outside of the NHS makes this stuff harder. The seductive thing about self-employment is that doing more -> more income and better reputation, so it isn’t like a salaried job where you can say I’ve done enough to fulfil my contract. My mum says court work glitters, in that it offers money, influence, an intellectual riddle, a role in the theatre of the court process. It is hard to say no to. But I think that’s just icing on my workaholic cake.

I’ve got lots of exciting links building for me personally, which give me optimism (meeting with DfE LAC lead on Monday, two book ideas, four keynotes/talks to good audiences in new year and a helpful new connection in health economics with an interest in my adoption research and useful links to tap). I’ve also been trying to read about successful entrepreneurship and thinking a lot more about what my big goals are. I’ve decided I care less about being a provider of therapy than I do about changing thinking and practise to improve the lives of vulnerable children and families. I want to help answer the big questions about how to know who needs fostering as opposed to adopting, who needs residential care and what defines an effective placement, what risk and resilience factors affect placement stability, what works for families on the cusp of care. I want to write books and papers and speak at conferences and influence government policy. These are ambitious goals, but not impossible if I don’t get bogged down with taking on other stuff that is on an individual scale.

But I’ve had to bite the bullet and look at redundancies for the diabetes project. Everyone is telling me that this is just business and the state of the economy and not to feel bad. And I know that if I was managing an nhs team and they told me the budget was being cut and two posts have to go I’d manage to put these two posts forward and get on with it with my identity intact as a decent person. The difference here is I feel there is no-one else to blame, and the nature of being the business owner means I’m making people redundant out of choice to preserve my own income (or allow some in the first place). And that sucks and hits at some of my own schemas. I didn’t promise people permanent jobs, but I had started to hope we could create them, and it feels tremendously sad that we didn’t.

On the good side, it always feels better once you’ve ripped the plaster off. It’s horrible to have to let people go, but on the other hand gives me a better base to think what I really want to do in future. That could be take up a job or travel abroad or go into academia or go back to some sole trader court work or providing consultation and therapy. My only real commitment is to a month more court work and a few conference talks and I’ll have a trickle of court work income for at least the next year to subsidise whatever I choose. So I feel like personally I’m okay, which is why I feel so guilty, as it seems like a selfish decision.

I’m starting to feel like the court work has made me feel quite burned out. It is fine to hear a grim story once a month, but four times a month for two years has been too much, and I’m tiring of the petty haggling over invoices. And that’s before the final round of fee cuts kick in. Given the business side hasn’t been as productive, and I don’t want to take on therapy myself, that leaves me the options of going into a primarily research role or returning to a clinical post within an organisation. I’m starting to browse NHS jobs and consider the consultant grade posts with children and families more positively, but I need to be careful that this isn’t just a rebound fling.

Meanwhile a few small positive opportunities have come in for the business that make me wonder whether what I want is someone experienced who can take on the delivery of the business for me, and perhaps pick up some court work, either on commission or as a contractor, whilst I take some time to explore my options…

Addendum: As painful as it was, reducing the salary bill has made everything feel less burdensome. I’ve gone through all the finances with the accountant and can see that I’ve managed to pull out of the dive ahead of catastrophe and held back enough funds to earn a reasonable income this year. I’ve also had lots of positive feedback from training and consultancy I’ve done recently and got re-enthused about the research aspect of my work. A children’s home has commissioned me to do some training, consultancy and outcome evaluation for them and we’ve got the opportunity to bid for some “widening the impact” funding for our diabetes project this month, and are likely to go and present it in the USA at a conference in the summer. I’ve also spoken to an amazing guy who is a very senior accountant but interested in the economics of social issues who might be able to link me up to some useful people. I’ve had a couple of good people enquire about contracting to do the therapy work here. I’m even thinking again about finishing off my adoption risk and resilience research and submitting it for publication somewhere, maybe as a book. I want to stretch my brain again, and that is the topic closest to my heart.

I want to be a bit more candid than I was in my last blog entry. I’ve had some challenges recently in trying to run my business. So I have tried to weigh up my current path compared to the NHS. Things I loved about my NHS job were:

• my team, as they were lovely people I could depend on to deliver the service and share a moment of (sometimes dark) humour with
• designing, delivering and evaluating my group
• doing complex assessments
• doing consultation to the adoption/permanence service
• doing consultation to the children’s homes
• training others

You’ll note I’ve never really loved doing therapy. I’ve enjoyed it from time to time, but I much prefer shorter punchier things like assessment and consultation. Its an awful thing to say perhaps, but I don’t have the persistence for therapy, particularly with milder cases or as people get better, and I get bored unless it is a highly complex case and the first time I’ve worked with a particular issue/model. Neither do I really love supervision. Its alright, and I enjoy it if the person is bringing a lot to it, but I don’t universally look forward to it.

Things I hated about my job were:

• pressure on throughput rather than providing a quality service
• not being able to action anything new or innovative or to resolve problems due to the bureaucracy/lack of autonomy
• them making promises and not delivering
• horrible physical environment and cuts to everything that supported the clinical work (eg admin time, rooms, materials)

I can give or take being in management meetings and doing budget stuff and care pathways, it doesn’t excite me but neither is it something I dread or find soul destroying.

So I started doing more court work. Things I love about it:

• being able to do a really in depth assessment, read the background, meet the people, write big reports, spend 50 hours on one case
• the diversity and intensity of the cases
• the importance of the role and weight given to your opinion
• the chess game of the court room, and the need to be able to present your position clearly and with evidence
• the better money

Things I hate about it:

• heavy heavy cases full of grim content (incest, sexually abuse, non accidental injuries, violence, rape, sadistic emotional and physical abuse, chronic neglect – some of it with photos, or where I have to look at internet content that is grim)
• increasing pressure to do it in less time, for less money and the looming prospect of a further 20% cut in fees bringing it down to below the pay rates of insurance funded therapy
• reduced demand, so I can’t pick and choose and the cases are all at the heavy end of the spectrum
• boom and bust demand, so I end up working 70 hour weeks to get things done on time
• how slowly they pay (6m-24m being a typical range)
• having to invoice and chase payments with the LAA increasingly arguing over every aspect of every bill
• cases where there is no good solution and you have to leave kids with very disagreeable people (eg acrimonious contact disputes between unpleasant people who are still fighting with the children as pawns despite having nominally separated, or cases where the court decide the kids can stay with the parents or be placed with other relatives against your advice)

Then I’ve picked up some projects which involve researching efficacy and impact of an intervention, which I love (despite the hassle of writing bids and reports) perhaps because I do the thinking and other people do the leg work.

But to do all this stuff I’ve become a company and have premises and employ people. This is good because:

• I like having people around so I don’t get isolated
• I can delegate leg work to others
• We are able to take on larger projects than I could do alone
• I can potentially profit from work others are delivering meaning I don’t have to work as intensely myself to sustain a decent long-term income (though I feel bad writing that)

But it is frustrating because:

• I’m paying out £150k per year on other people and premises before I earn anything
• everyone around me is by far my junior and reliant on me for supervision and their income, so I don’t feel like I’ve got peer support or day to day challenge and conversation that I learn from (I’ve got a great peer supervisor, but we only speak once a month)
• I’m the person whose name goes on the tin, so I want everything we do to be brilliant (this is turning me into a total control freak as everyone I employ has to to live up to my standards)
• people have different aims and goals for what they want to get out of working for me, and it is hard to be supportive of everyone whilst also allowing myself to have a work life balance and benefit from doing this
• it means keeping time and learning new skills to bid for projects, manage staff, balance the books and run a business

I’ve also got other responsibilities on me that I’ve chosen to take on beyond my day job; as part of the CYPF committee, editor of CFCP Review (annual journal of CYPF), committee member for the FJC/BPS group setting standards for expert witnesses, potentially writing more books, running this place. And of course outside of all that I’m a wife, a mother, a person who wants to have time to exercise, be creative, travel, read, socialise and enjoy time with my family.

I’d also had a strange point about a year ago where I realised I was older than any of my imaginings as a kid, and had no ambitions left that I hadn’t attained. Its like I had a list of things (get a job, get a consultant grade post, run a department, get married, have kids, get a nice home, etc) that are all ticked off and there isn’t anything left ahead of me to work towards.

I think the recent triggers to my angst are:
1) The first person I took on as a qualified CP to support my court work was a nice person and a good therapist but didn’t work out well. She didn’t pass her doctorate or get her HCPC during the 15 months she worked for me and thus couldn’t take any of the burden of court work off me. The parting of ways was messy and uncomfortable.
2) The AP I’d worked most closely with got onto training. He’d been brilliant at being cheerfully supportive, and I feel less prepared for each assessment without him around, and am unlikely to be able to replace him.
3) The court work has reduced in quantity and the hassle involved has increased, and I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to bid for to keep our activities varied and ensure we have enough income to sustain the team I employ into 2014.
4) We’ve had trouble with our accountant and had to change to a new firm and now need to enter all the data into a new system (which will be great when it is done but has taken most of my best admin’s time).
5) My admin person went off long term sick for so long I had to employ someone else to replace her, and I need to tell her that I can’t have her back (which feels horrible, even though her health is not good enough to return for the foreseeable future anyway).
6) I always imagined I’d be the primary carer. But since I’ve been running the business my other half has been the one getting the kids ready for school, and collecting them at the end of the day. I always do the bedtime routine and spend time with them at weekends, but I’m not sure I’ve got my work-life balance right.

I’ve also had some health things. Nothing major, but enough to set me thinking because there really isn’t scope in the current set up for me to have any time off sick (or even for a holiday). Anyway, the net result is that today I just wanted a duvet day (give or take an appointment with the dentist which I messed up, and one with the doctor which is yet to happen) and although nothing on NHS jobs looks tempting because of the lack of autonomy and low pay, I am wondering what I really want to do from here on in.

I guess my choice is to fix it or do something different. I need to be clear which.

The offices are suiting us well, but are now bursting at the seams on some days. We’ve done a mountain of court work over the last six months, and I’ve never worked so hard in my life! I’ve even done some work for the High Courts and Royal Courts in London. The team is currently me, a nearly-qualified CP, 3 APs, a part-time admin (currently off to recover from surgery), a part-time admin (who is covering the absence, but will stay on as my PA), a part time operational manager, a part-time CBT therapist, and we’ve got two interns for the summer. The nearly qualified CP is leaving, ironically just before gaining the HCPC registration we’ve been waiting 16 months for, so we have a job advert out to recruit a replacement. I really need a second in command that I can delegate to, as we’ve got lots going on.

The research project is going well, and we are bidding for related projects, both in paediatrics and in supporting patients with long-term conditions at the hospital, as well as related to adoption and Looked After Children. We are being commissioned to do therapy by Local Authorities in relation to LAC, have had enquiries from schools about using their personal budgets, and get a regular supply of self-referred private clients. We’ve got the small grants to do groups for pregnant and new mums, and various requests for training, as well as several agencies considering whether to commission consultation packages. My book seems to have done well enough for the publishers to be keen for me to write more, and my involvement in the BPS has continued to grow, along with my contribution to the political wrangling about legal aid cuts and the use of expert witnesses. And we’ve done some interesting research too, with an article accepted for CP Forum, presentations at various conferences, and various other publications on the way.

It has felt quite pressured to keep sufficient cash-flow to pay all the staff, because our running costs are now much higher (£15k/month) whilst there are still delays in being paid, particularly for legally aided work, and the grant is paid in arrears. As a result I’ve taken no income from the business at all for the past year, apart from minimum wage, which didn’t even cover my tax bill (which was unusually high as I had to declare all unpaid invoices from my self-employment in the same tax year as my NHS salary and redundancy payment went through). From that I’ve had to pay enormous nursery fees, so its been a tough year for me financially – probably more touch and go than I’ve let the team know, as I’ve had to borrow money personally to support the business. Nonetheless the accountant tells me if I get on top of the invoicing then the business should be on a solid footing in the longer term (and my kids start school in September, so my childcare costs will disappear, easing my personal finances).

At times the financial strain means I have wondered about jobs with regular salaries and less responsibility for others, but I love the autonomy and flexibility that running my own business offers. Even an 8D Head of Child Psychology in a really pretty part of the country hasn’t turned my head enough to apply. I think its the pressure of throughput, the lack of scope to be creative and the bureaucracy in the NHS at the moment that puts me off, along with fixed hours, commuting, paying for parking and trivial stuff like that. I love that I have created something from nothing, and that others are recognising the quality of my brand. I think it is quite telling that we have had to turn work away in a time when others are reporting struggling to find sufficient court work. I also love having my own team of people that I’ve selected and really get on with, rather than the NHS way of being stuck with what you’ve got (and not being able to get rid of anyone). The people I have chosen all work hard, believe in what we are doing and are amazingly supportive. They even made me a salted caramel cake for my birthday!

I’ve just started some management coaching, to focus on that side of my professional development. I’ve set the goals of getting on top of the money and getting a better work life balance. Whether it was that conversation or reaching a point I could not avoid any longer, I’ve finally conquered the invoices I’ve been moaning about for 6 months! I’ve compared all the work we’ve done to all the invoices issued, and then (with the help of my team) made up invoices for all the work that has been completed to date. I’ve also joined the Federation of Small Businesses. And I’m about to take nearly a fortnight off work with my kids, despite having already had two weeks off this year. This might not sound a lot but I took only 5 days off in total during 2012, so this is much healthier!

This week has been one of momentous change for me and the company. My wonderful AP is leaving to start training, and my equally wonderful but less experienced general assistant is stepping into the AP post. We’ve appointed our first admin post, who will function as a multi-purpose office manager, book-keeper, receptionist, IT person, and general helper-out in getting us organised, and my cusp-of qualified CP is submitting her thesis corrections at the end of the week and should soon be HCPC registered. I can’t believe that in a year we’ve grown from being 2 days a week of me plus a self-employed AP to work most of this on a paid-per-hour basis to a company with 4 full-time members of staff.

We are also in the process of moving out of the two rooms in a serviced office block we have been using and into our own self-contained premises. This will be a great change for us and give us more space (4 rooms) and hopefully an improvement in our working environment in simple ways like having our own fridge and microwave, being able to choose our own decor and furniture to exactly suit our needs. We’ll have our own private parking spaces, and be able to decorate and furnish as we wish, and there won’t be the same level of monthly costs as the serviced office block. I’ve enjoyed shopping to kit it out, and I’ve purchased a reception desk, a sofa for people to wait on, a receptionist’s chair, 4 tub chairs and a coffee table and poofe for the therapy room, plus a half circle table and a storage cupboard, then there are 10 stacking chairs for training, 5 large desks with drawers, 5 desk chairs, 4 consultation chairs and a coffee table, two lateral filing cabinets, 2 bookcases and another storage cupboard. I’m getting them delivered today, so I hope they fit! I’ve also got 14 large framed photographs and a massive canvas print to decorate the walls. Just need to buy a fridge, microwave and kettle and we are good to go.

Of course there are a hundred things to organise with solicitors and estate agents and removal companies and internet and phones and post-forwarding. But I hope the admin person can help a lot with that kind of stuff.

On another note, I have also had a rude awakening when it comes to tax. It seems that HMRC consider money ‘earned’ the moment you have done the work, and expect you to pay income tax on all work completed, whereas until I was a limited company I had been declaring the income received (which means that work was invoiced and payment received, which often happens 6-12 months later than the point I did the work). So, there will be a massive tax bill for me this quarter to ‘catch-up’ with payments of tax on money I am yet to actually be paid, which seems a bit contrary. However, thankfully the company is robust enough to survive this, as I had set aside contingency funds from my redundancy pay. On the good side, doing all the accounts has shown me that the company is on a healthy financial trajectory and that I have not taken a significant reduction in income as a result of leaving the NHS. Hooray!

I feel so grateful to be able to earn a living doing something I believe in, with total autonomy and to my own quality standards.

I’m suddenly six months into my big adventure, and I think I can report it is going well.

We now rent two offices next door each other. One is an admin space with 3 desks plus storage for books and filing and psychometrics. The other is a clinical space that has a set of 4 chairs around a coffee table where we can do meetings and therapy sessions, but the room also has a treatment bench as I sub-let it two days plus evenings and weekends to a friend of mine who is a physiotherapist. I’ve gatherered a team I am very confident about and view as one of the real plus-sides to this work: an on-the-cusp-of-qualifying CP who has the same passion about getting attachments right as I do who is currently part-time but will be full-time as soon as the last course components are fulfilled; an AP who has a full-time contract but I released 2 days per week to a different job for 5 months; a general assistant who is doing ad hoc hours to help us keep on top of the invoicing, tendering, and policy stuff; and an ad hoc admin who I email dictation or scanned notes to for typing. I currently work near enough full-time hours, but arranged to allow me a mummy day each week to be with my daughters. We’ve got payroll and accountants and VAT registration and all of that running fairly smoothly now too.

The court work is still the backbone of the business. We take two complex family assessments per month (and/or lots of smaller assessments) and I end up having to attend professionals meetings and courts a couple of days per month. However we have also done a few training events for professionals that have gone well (give or take some snowy weather that made it hard for people to get to one event, and a village hall venue with insufficient heating for another). We’ve picked up a couple of therapy cases who have self-referred and hope that once we get the website updated and decide whether to do any form of advertising we may get more of these (it turns out I’m less uncomfortable than I thought about charging clients, if they are well-off and actively choosing private over NHS options).

We also bid for our first public sector contract, which has been a huge learning curve. I’ve had to write a huge set of policy documents relating to equal opportunities, protecting children and vulnerable adults, health and safety, risk assessment, disciplinary procedures, complaints process, mission statement, IT policy, notekeeping, whistle-blowing and everything else you could think of. I’ve also had to write job adverts, person specifications, offer letters and contracts. And I’ve had to write out financial statements, cost the bid, write the proposal, attend a qualifying interview. I now feel quite ambivalent about whether I want to secure the contract or not, because relative to other sources of income it will be quite a lot of work for not a lot of money, but it might be a nice contrast with the other components of the business. To be honest I hadn’t realised we would get through to the final round, so I hadn’t planned in advance enough. The big barrier now is whether we are prepared to register with Ofsted and spend £360 and complete a 22 page application form, on the hope that it is approved within the 6 week timescale left, when Ofsted say it can take upto 16 weeks as the process involves collecting their own CRB checks and references on everyone in the company.

Apart from that I’ve been made clinical director of a parenting charity, which is another learning curve for me, as I have not been involved in a charity, or setting up a clinical service from scratch before. It is a new challenge to deal with politicians and to keep a grip of the quality and evidence based nature of the service we wish to provide, despite the pressures to do everything asap. There is also the fundraising and conference and publicity to organise. I’ve been doing a joint project between the parenting charity and the local university, and I’ve been doing a bit of teaching for another university and I’m just starting to bid for some research funding to complete some research I started a few years ago. There is the option to write it up as a series of papers, and/or as a PhD thesis (I could submit by papers if I published 5 or more papers on the same theme). I’ve also been commissioned to write a book on attachment for foster and adoptive parents, which is another new challenge!

However, my trigger for posting an update today was more personal. Yesterday I sorted out a box of paperwork I brought with me from my NHS post, and I threw out all the papers that related to ‘battles’ like my grievance with the trust, the tender and TUPE, even my AfC banding appeal from years ago. Its great to know I don’t need that armoury any more!

Update: I’ve prioritised and streamlined to focus on the things that are the most productive and interesting to me, and to get rid of those that were more effort than reward. That meant Ofsted registration was out, and with it the bid for the adoption support tender (though I learnt a lot from the process and now have lots of lovely policy documents to draw on). I’ve also resigned from the parenting charity. My reasoning was fourfold: firstly that it was more middle management and I left the NHS to get out of that, secondly that it was hugely time consuming and meant that I couldn’t do other things that were higher up my prioroty list, thirdly that the charity had strong policitcal links which didn’t fit my personal values, and lastly I felt like there was very poor communication and questionable professional boundaries, particularly by one of the trustees. I need to learn to listen to my husband more, as he told me I should never have taken it on in the first place and has thought I should leave for ages!

That means that I can focus on:

• court work, which is the thing that brings in the money

• teaching, training, consultancy which is interesting and varied

• academic teaching and collaboration with universities

• writing my book

• bidding for some research grants

• writing up journal papers